It was in the wee hours. My opponent was a moderate goodlooking guy with impressive biceps. As most chessplayers, he suffered from a form of OCD. He had the nasty habit of adjusting his pieces all the time. While I looked in his bloodred smouldering eyes, I scratched my cheek. This morning I cut myself with my razor. Occam's aftershave is rather irritating, maybe I should change my brand.
My opponent played the Dark Side.
On the board was an unorthodox position which showed some vague relationship with the French defense. But it was clear that my opponent had no respect for the positional rules of Einsteinitz. His pieces where placed with variable space between them. This had the strange effect that it seemed as if his pieces at the outer rim were able to move faster than the ones that were more close to the center of gravity of his position. Somewhat like in the accelerated dragon. Just an optical illusion, of course.
I had gambited a pawn, which was taken without suspence. I got a crushing attack for it, but just at the moment I was making myself up to finish him off, something strange happened. It seemed as if his Dark Forces came out of the blue. As if it substancialized from the hyperspace between two squares, as it were. All of a sudden a dim looking knight, coming from the outer rim, was heading with discrete jumps to my King. I thought I would have enough tempo's that there was no need to bother myself with his counter attack. But my tempo's proved to be relative.
His knight circled with an unsuspected angular momentum around my King in a deadly embracement. I surely understimated the power of the Dark Side.
I thought for an hour, while offering him drinks all the time. He gratefully accepted. I had decided to use chess creativity and to go for an unorthodox approach. After an hour the nature had to take it's rightfull course and he left the table for a few minutes. At a moment nobody looked at me I reached over the table and put a few things in the pockets of his jacket.
When he came back I waited another 10 minutes, moved a pawn to a3 and pressed the clock. I stood up and went to fetch the arbiter. When he arrived at the table I said that I accused my opponent from taking doping since last year he was playing like a moron and now he would beat me with ease. The arbiter stopped the clocks and asked my opponent if that was true. He denied. The arbiter called for assistance and asked my opponent to empty his pockets. The first thing was a brace-o-maza. The arbiter asked me if I knew what that meant. I said no, but that he wore it before he went to the bathroom. His assistant said "look what we have here, a fly ticket to America, a bottle cap, a dilated Planck length and mascara. It looks like we have an international terrorist here!. I will call Interpol." The police came and took him away.
I pressed the chess clock again, just in case he managed to convince the authorities of his innocence.
Than I awoke. . .